I've meant to write
more here, but time is just not around my life any more. So many
visits to the hospital and it's a lousy way to lose your life's little allotment.
I started this maybe two weeks ago:
Nobody wore German
health shoes back in the 60's, did they? Or ate whole wheat bread?
Or rode their bike everywhere. But I did. And I still ride, still
eat only good stuff, still refuse to destroy my feet or back with bad
shoes. I also swim, walk, do yoga-type exercises, take time to smell
the roses and appreciate life, have good friends, etc. etc. etc.
And yet, if the
genes don't fit, or perhaps if they fit too well, then you are
fucked. and if the shoes fit, well, you wear them.
Got the damn bad
genes, I guess, and so now, here I am, riddled with cancer.
Quelle horreur. And
it's not funny. However, I think about my favourite Monty Python
skit and say:
"It's
only a flesh wound!!!", and get into fighting stance.
**************************
Today's precis
April 16, 2019 9:30AM :
I am Orange 22 - the
chemo colour unit and chair number. I feel like Dead Woman Walking,
on her way to the electric chair. I sit in 22 and listen to more of
the endless blather. Oh, they are all professional, friendly, and
very helpful, but this is a crap hand in a crap deal, and I find
myself thinking "I hate you, God" - a blasphemy that could
send me to my afterlife hell, but right now I don't care. I only hope
that my higher, healing self, which always took over when I was doing
massage therapy for the last forty years, and which let come to life a person
and awareness very different from the self I had come to know in
"normal" life. Just hope the higher me takes over this
process while I go away and sulk.
It's so depressing.
I want to cry, but that would only depress me more. I had planned
many chores to get done during this brutally boring day, but now I
just want to shut the door to everything. Bad attitude, I reckon, but
"to thine own self be true".
I expected, - and
still do expect, - more, and better, from life.
I was part of the
entertainment at this hospital a few years ago - appeared here three
or four times for patients and families condemned to this health
sentence. I'm not singing now; this experience is the opposite of the
life-affirming privilege I have enjoyed as a musician and performer.
How quickly things can change.
KABOOM!
I did sing a bit
this morning at home, when I found a tune I'd written about a month
ago in Mexico - before the sounding of the death knell. It is called
"Living Free", and when I think of it, I can return
mentally to the beach where I was when I composed it, watching a boat
skim over top the waves of the ocean, someone standing forward in the
prow. I can feel the good air rushing past me when I become that boat
person; I can see the shore line - even see myself standing there
watching. I see the world, which the songwriter me says I'm happy to
leave behind. Little did I know then that I just might have to do
that. Ah, well, having a child was good; doing massage was good; my
lovers - even the ones who couldn't really be there for me - they
were good. And then the music. That was the night's "lovely
tune". Beware, my foolish heart.
Maybe I'll listen to
my own yet-to-be-released CD. I just have to wait for my sister to
get here with my bag. If it's ready for manufacturing soon, I hope to
celebrate its birth. If it's posthumous, then I hope everyone else
celebrates it well.
Yesterday, after
buying some drugs the hospital prescribed for me, I saw a Lucky Money
envelope lying on the sidewalk. I know them from many years ago, when
I was teaching and living in Kensington Market. They usually had a
$2. bill in them for the Chinese New Year. Yesterday's envelope, when
I picked it up, had a $20. in it. Lucky me, eh? Just full of luck -
and now, poison drugs.
3:30PM Well, to be
honest, and except for a period of time when I felt like one of the
Parkdale rubbies - drunk and leaning over too much, and slurring
everything I said (Wuuuuh th' heh's goin' on, ennyway, eh? Hey!! yur
priddy cute, y'know? Oh oh, sorry, sorry, maaam. Don' min' mee,
I'm juhsanoldrunk! Yaaaaaah. Hevva niyz day, eh?). Except for that
interlude, I felt OK, - tired, but much better than I had thought
would feel. It helped a lot to have sister Lucy for aid and for
company, and the nurses were very helpful. I could almost say I
didn't feel a damn thing. But I was pre-drugged. We'll see later,
when they wear off, how I fare.
Showed a couple of
the nurses the page for my benefit concert on May 5. Gotta keep on
advertising...
The show must go on. zoechilcoeveryvoice.blogspot.com hughsroomlive.com (calendar May 5).
Got to my son's
house where my daughter-in-law made a lovely soup and bread for
dinner. Thank you, Morgan. Chris came home, and we had a little visit.
And now to bed. It might be a long cold
winter coming up.
The tired old lady with the bad bad baby belly, getting the poison drip |
The tired old lady later that night |
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