december first

And the beginning of December always reminds me, sadly, of the horrific day back in 1989 - Dec. 6 to be exact - when that moron and poor excuse of a person shot and killed 14 women - brilliant ones, at that - all studying in Montreal. it was an awful event, but again, sadly, one which has echoes every day in the violence that is done to women. It's hard to see that kind of senseless and blind mistreatment, but it's still there, and it's still perpetrated in a lot of very stupid attitudes.

what's worse, in some countries, it's encouraged.

oh dear, didn't meant to start out like that, but the world is as it is. i can't pretend it isn't, although i will still endeavour to send out some good, healing, loving, and fun vibrations through music, and hope to influence the world that way, if possible. have to do what we can, yes?

and on that note, just got an email today telling me that one of my songs is up on youtube in a video for water protection - put out by the haliburton (that's a good place in Ontario, not the stinking selfish corporation of the U.S.) and muskoka regions and the water festival that they organize for children of the area. to increase awareness, etc. just type in haliburton-muskoka children's water festival and search. so thatsa nice.

i need a tour for some of my older, and now the newer, songs. if anyone wants to sponsor - i.e. pay me - i'd be very happy to travel and entertain with song....

so long for now

what's new, pussycat?

So you realize, i'm hoping, that the only purpose of this blog (besides being an outlet for my vitriolic temperament – and to display any occasional witticism that might disturb my otherwise somnolent brain) – the only purpose is just to prove to the world at large that i am, in fact, still alive and still performing music, my saving grace.

Truth is, i have a whole whack of new songs that i haven't been able to record because of lack of funds – oh, benefactor(trice), where are you? - and also because whatever funds i have managed to scrape together over the last year all went to get my heart's work – namely my show, Zootcase – up and out there in the world. All done, and happily too. Now i'm working on getting a CD “book” made of the narrative, and also a film. I must endeavour to get Zootcase out to the many people who have not yet seen it, or heard the songs. So work, work, work.

But back to the other new songs. Poor things, languishing in my 'tout doucement' file ('to do') – and hoping for their big break. But studios and musicians all cost, and i am – 'ow you say?' - tres broke. So if you have money, send it, please, and i will record them.

Meanwhile, reporting on the performance front, had a great night at the Old Mill Inn in Toronto a couple of weeks ago, with a sterling trio of musicians, and a room full of wonderful, appreciative music lovers. A very nice gig, thank you, to everyone who was there.

And now to create more similar opportunities....

i must away

The case of the weary musician

Not weary, not really; just a little pissed off - and i won't even go into it. why should i give my energy to such negativity and people who BUG MY ARSE? !!!!!
There, i feel much better.
so, getting back to real life: got the final (for this summer - and yes, i know summer was officially over nine days ago) the final production of ZOOTCASE coming up this saturday, october 2.
the shows so far have been great; lots of good feedback, which i will be posting on the offcial site/blog, just as soon as i get it all organized.

meanwhile, here are some photos for your viewing pleasure.

thanks to so many for all the various help, and come on out to the
Black Swan Tavern - 8pm - Danforth and Broadview, in Toronto
if you can
you'll love the music and the story, I promise.

times flies

not a very inspirational title, but i'm rushing at the moment, and the library is going to close.

just a few precious moments.

well, nothing new. Ha ha.

Zootcase will be playing in minden, ontario this saturday night, the fourth production, and we're expecting a huge and wild audience of true north strong and free peoples who like to have fun, and enjoy good music, not to mention stories.

so see you there, if you can make it - the legion at 8pm

hey! there's beer too.

it's a happy day

that's a line from one of the songs in my show 'zootcase', which had its opening night on saturday past.
lots of nerves leading up to it, and thankfully, they all fired in the way we wanted them to.
show was fun, and successful. great audience in bancroft, ontario, and people that really appreciated the music and the story.

so today it's happy....and getting ready for the second one in bala, coming up wednesday.

got those nerves on standby....

help me, help me!

i'm crying a little wolfette, there - there's nothing really wrong, but i'm just a little overwhelmed with all the stuff to do to do tout doucement, as blossom dearie once sang...
zootcase is going to be opening soon; that's scary and exciting - lots of things going on to get it ready.
a gig at gate 403 on july 31, 9pm roncesvalles ave. in toronto, if you're around.
also will be celebrating my birthday - well, i'll probably just mention it a few times, so everyone can wish me wishes.
had fun last night at george's birthday bash in haliburton, ontario. good band, and i sang a little twelve bar.
too late to talk more. i've just recorded two more of the blues show that i host on canoe fm. check it out on their website (.com)

alors, a la prochaine

New Moan - yeah

Well, didja think i was dead?
I sorta did – i was hit with a surprise (body) terrorist attack – I, who very rarely gets sick – laid low by PNEUMONIA – ya, that's right; unable to breathe or walk or work, or practically anything. I must say, it's a very good reminder of how lucky we are when we are healthy, and how great it is to not have to be dependent on others for the simplest things. My simplest things were taken care of most kindly by those close to me, and i thank them profusely for that. You find out who your friends are, n'est-ce pas?

So, in contrast with the above title, and in keeping with the profound insights and promises that i made while lying in the back garden, letting the warmth of the sun penetrate deep into my body, past all the blankets, (not to mention the anti-biotics), and while i did nothing but watch clouds drift by and listen to the sounds of the birds, trains, and occasional emergency vehicle, i hereby state my intentions to move on, folks, to a new place – one which has no room at all for negativity (in thoughts or in other people), one which is dedicated only to finding that space where everything is possible, and finding the person that deep inside myself i was truly meant to be – full on, no stops, righty-ho, top notch, and all that - if i only had some courage. Since I am a leo, I am more like the lion than the tin man. I'm going to call this land, NEW MOHNEEYA, and attempt to go there often.

So wish me well, all ye who would search too for the real potential of which we are capable.

And try to avoid all the crap that's out there, polluting the air, the water, the radio and tv waves, and your mind. What was that frank zappa said? The ugliest part?

Before i forget: gig on saturday, june 26, at the black swan, toronto. 9pm. I hope my lungs work for all those tunes....

almost asleep

can't say where i am; i'm supposed to be working, but the group that was scheduled to be here, isn't. it's not my fault.

in the meantime, however, my head is being hypnotized by the dull white noise of whatever systems are in the building, and my eyelids are dangerously close to closing.

how's this for gripping content?

haven't even got any new or exciting dreams to report.

oh hey! yes, i do. not dreams, but actual, real life coming up soon. singing on sunday at gate 403. if you know toronto, you can find it. start time 9pm; no cover;

gotta go.

apologia

isn't that a kind of horse? no, that's horse you know that. well, it's a mountain range in the north eastern US, right?
sorry, wrong again. some people don't like to say 'i'm sorry'; something about love, and never needing to....
not my kind of love.
myself i'm just sorry all the time; at the moment, it's because i haven't been able to get myself to update anything, what with the weather being so lovely, and the back garden calling. something about those little bits of colour after the cold of winter, that just makes me want to say screw everything else.
i'm sorry about putting up the barriers too, under the bottom of the fence in the backyard. i know all the cat and dog lovers will be offended, and i'm sorry, really i am, and it's not that i don't like those little pets, but the smell of cat piss is the worst smell in the world, and i really resent piles of steaming dog turds on my lawn.
so again, - sorry.
well you're probably thinking that's not so bad, not so much to be sorry about. but i've got more: i'm a sorry excuse for a performer when i'm not appearing six times a week, and travelling the globe with my musical creations. i'm waiting for the right moment, i think. or a very wealthy and generous benefactor.
and in my defence, i wouldn't have got very far in the past little while, with that big cloud of volcanic ash putting all air travel on hold....
which reminds me, i'm sorry to interrupt, but i was singing one of my tunes today, called 'mamarocks', and thinking that it could be applied very well to mama the earth, as well as your typical human mama, which was the original intent.
but mama the earth is perhaps getting a little pissed off with the way her 'children' have been treating her, which means abusing her really. so she is 'rocking' us with earthquakes and volcanoes and such. maybe we gotta get it together faster.
and now i'm sorry, but they're turning off the lights here, so i gotta go.

write and wrong

they seem so well related when you see them like that; much more so than their "real" relatives, who are, like most relatives and their annoying ways, opposed. right and wrong, i mean; they don't appear nearly as well matched as the two wr words.

so obviously, i haven't a lot to say today; it's the day following a weekend (yes, i know it's tuesday, but some people didn't work till today), and the weather was sublime, and i had a lot of lovely moments with a friend, and some very good dinners, and a movie i enjoyed, and gosh, don't i just sound like a contented cow.

the trouble with having the occasional happy period is that one becomes somewhat restless afterwards. no, i retract that, because in fact all i really wanted to do all day was rest - and become more restful. to wit, i did not want to work, and was very hard pressed to get myself at the computer or the piano or the recordings for my shows, or ANYTHING. hard pressed by my conscience, but to no avail.

foolish squandering, some might say, and i might agree too, but you know, some days are just like that. i have to assume that something is working its way up to the surface of my mind, and i will have a mighty (i might) insight.

so i won't worry, but i will stop now, since this place is closing down, and i must away.

a type o' thought

strange world.
ya really gotta wonder what the hell we're all doing.

oh, i know what i'm doing, at least right now: filling in my time with something that is, i hope, not boring, or hurtful, or toxic, or stupid.
like so much of what is out there.

what can one do? i mean, besides joining all the organizations that are devoting themselves to really improving the world and all the lives of as many people as possible? after that, what?

hum it all away? just like those funny ladies in the fifties who were so determined not to notice what a pile of shit they'd been sold in their 'happy' marriages, where all the husbands got to demand whatever they wanted, and screw around all they wanted too, and all the women had to do was pretend they didn't see; or pretend they didn't want any other life but picking up dirty clothes and cooking.

in fact, i would pay a lot of money right now, today, if i could find one of those women to clean up the mess at my place, which is somewhat overwhelming, but that's just because i was working at a job all this week which required my traveling to another location and being there for the whole day. i'm not used to that. i'm self-employed usually, which means you can work in your jammies, if you want, and you can figure out the answers to the creative problems you encounter while you do the dishes. sometimes the most amazing ideas come to you in a pot of porridge.

i'm a firm believer in the creativity that exists in chaos. maybe it's because i was one of eight children. maybe it's just because that's how the whole world seems to operate. maybe creativity is chaos. but oh, it's so chaotic. sometimes one longs for one thing and one think only.
no, it's not a typo.
although i am. a type 'o'. also negative. so i guess i'm just going with the flow when i see red.

it's in my blood.

sun spots

I am doomed.

Thus I thought as I sat in my very own back garden today, as the sun shone and warmed my legs. first time on the chair out there, and although i did do a lot of yard work beforehand, still, it's a dangerous precedent. the sitting, i mean. because once you're out there, it's to hell with all the obligations, isn't it?

here i am, a singer/songwriter. i've got so many jobs i have to do to keep up the gigs, the writing, the promoting; and that's only for the regular stuff. but i've also got the show this year - my zootcase project, and with that, i have created an enormous job for myself, especially since help is so hard to come by. (nobody cooks the dinner, or washes the dishes, and god knows, the sheets need laundering once in a while).

no, can't afford the household help, but i was actually talking about musical help - people out there who might want to support an independent musician in this, in any, endeavour. now, i do have friends. and many of them have stepped up to the 'giving' plate by purchasing my upcoming cd in advance. that helps finance the manufacture. so thank you to them.

but there are organizations, like the arts councils; can't seem to break into that little clique (you have to hire someone who knows their way around the application and requirements). then there's the local radio station that says it wants to "support jazz performers in Canada", but sadly, they do not support me - neither by playing any of my songs, nor by helping with this show ('you can rent our space for over $1,000.'). well, if i was a corporation, maybe, but i'm just a music performer, singer, etc. maybe they don't 'help' me because i haven't got the big machine behind me; i'm not performing with the biggest names. i'm not a big name either.

no, i'm just a simple independent music lover; i play with people who are fantastic musicians, but also people i like.

so i'll probably end up financing this work of love by myself, and that's ok, since it originated with love, and is still a love story. love makes the songs go 'round, i reckon.

so as the sun goes around and gets warmer and brighter, i'll just enjoy all the decadence of just sitting, and the music that keeps going around too, my friends, and the wee shoots that are coming up in the garden, and whatever i get done on my own. god bless' the child that's got its own.

your eye a heap, not to mention your head

when an old boyfriend appears in your dreams, in some strange house; and then your sister turns up, telling you that she's just so, so angry, what is one to make of that? am i simply bored? lost in the dreary and all-enveloping grayness that is currently covering our part of the world? the rains continue relentlessly, and yet they don't seem to really wash anything. i have no sense of clean or new, or any kind of refreshment. is this the strange house that is my lot these days?

gosh, oh golly!! i must be alzheimering. after such a fun time i had last night, singing with the jazz trio, and really enjoying the music. you see how quickly i forget. perhaps the rains are indeed washing away things. i'm becoming like those horrid little children that i am occasionally forced to spend time with in the classrooms of this city - the ones that must be constantly entertained and/or amused every single minute. catered to in any manner possible, and god forbid they should ever move their own three-lettered anatomy and make things better themselves.

hey! that must be the angry sister speaking up.

it's a dull saturday night when a person has to attend to their own psyche for amusement, playing all the parts. but i do seem to be doing a good job, and yes, i do want to talk about it.

i promise myself that tomorrow i will do some more music. it hath charms. but also, as i told myself just the other day, i owe it to myself for all the meals i cook with love, and all those hours with the ingrates at the schools. i am paying the bills, after all, and so i figure i'm indebted to that long-suffering person, - me - who is saddled with the job of keeping this body alive and housed. i owe me big time to get out there and do something interesting with all my talents. using that word in the biblical sense, of course, but also in our modern usage, just a little. don't want to be falsely and overly uriah heepish. i owe it to my girlish self to have fun.

but tonight...i'm just goofin' around and goin' nowheres fast.

send in the roses

it's just too nice outside to be sitting at a computer, and besides, i have to exercise my body and try and repair the damage that i've done to it lately. right after the last blog, i went out, came home, got out of the car, and immediately went smack onto my tailbone. the one bit of snow that we've had over this winter, piled up on the sidewalk, then immediately melting, and at night turning into a treacherous slick of black ice. i went down really fast. it still hurts when i walk, but i'm not hanging back, not me. it's onward and tailward.

until yesterday, when i rushed with gleeful anticipation into the showers at the local, on my way to the pool, and once again, damn if that old world of objects and such didn't get in my way. what the hell is a door doing closing so fast that i don't even have my foot out yet? and why the hell do they have that little step up there anyway, just so's it makes a trap for the wee foot. toe, actually. and now it's purple. much like my language when that happened. poor little woman in the sauna didn't know what catastrophe was landing on her previously serene moment. my apologies to her and anyone else who heard me. it hurt.

and it hurts now to let the toxins of these injuries course through my otherwise pristine body. must away to the outdoors and walk them all off.

here's hoping i make it home safely. (by the way, is this a cosmic message, or something? should i be slowing down to smell the roses that aren't yet blooming? somebody, please, send me some roses.)

flights of dalliancy (I made that word up)

got all excited, over there at my zootcase blog, about the black rhubarb i had dreamt about, then the description that i later found online. never knew it really existed, honest. but there i was, dreaming it, and connecting it to my 'heart' venture, only to find out the next day that this strange 'growing thing' from ancient times could give a person the feeling of flight and overcoming gravity. this is exactly what i need, not only for my project, but, i would say, every day.

of course, one can't always be all mystical and supernatural, can one?, - levitating all over the place. but they do recommend searching 'the dreamiest dalliances of your own heart', and that, i can earnestly support.

dally away, all ye who would fly, and delve into the black rhubarb of your soul.

bleary blues

been too long on the computer today; my mind is fading fast. i really want to
get myself into the pool and do my zen-inducing laps. just got so damn much to finish first.
speaking of finishing first, i've actually watched a fair amount of the vancouver olympics, unusual for me. great fun, except that i found that it produces 'olympic ass' after a few sedentary hours, quite the opposite of all those astounding,vital young bodies throwing themselves fearlessly into the air, or speeding with such control, or creating such gorgeous moves. no bleariness there.
not so great that Canada lost the hockey match last night, but hey, it's a game, right? and it was a good, fast one.

and so what am i accomplishing today, you might well arsk.
just doing the normal necessaries to get the music and the shows out there.
had a great night on saturday at the private jazz whoop-de-do. does anyone use that expression any more? well, we had fun; musicians played their usual amazing abilities, i sang my little heart out, and all the party patrons ate and talked and enjoyed the music all night long.

the 'underwear' video is coming along. i'm hoping it will be on youtube in a couple of weeks. don't wet your pants.

i gotta go. the water is calling me: return to the womb, zoe. splash and frolic, and tune out the world. ich com, ich com (don't know how to spell german).

quand il me prend dans ses bras...

such a romantic song, (see title, although i know that's not the title, but everyone should know that one) and saint valentine's day just around the corner (i walk a little faster). i wonder how many song titles i could work into one post. no, i haven't got time (gotta put it in your pocket till i get back!).
lovely day. got a couple of gigs coming up - the private one (sorry, folks) on feb. 20 with the jazz trio, then two on st. paddy's day, where we'll be parading all the irish tunes we know, and talking with an irish accent, nach bhuill? sure, and of course we will, because when i'm not taking after the italian grandfather, i'm after taking after the one from connemara, the west coast of ireland, where all the ponies on my website were that rainy day on the mountaintop.
in that photo,i look like one of those fat people on oprah's list of losers, but it's really just the six woolen sweaters underneath the hastily purchased raincoat that give me such a rotund figure. i'm really just a slip of a thing, and sure, lovely too.
but getting back to the french, and himself putting me in his bras, (such a strange one), - i hope everyone has some love come their way this sunday, and what the hey!, every day.
because what the world needs now....

hogging the ground

one of these days, i'm going to publish the story of when i first moved out of Toronto, and into the wilderness of the Haliburton bush. oh, what a thrill!!!
you know how naive and idealistic all the city-dwellers can be. how they hold such romantic notions about living in the country and eating their own home-made bread, and loving, just loving!! - everything possible about nature.
yeah.
that's before they experience living with black flies, and the joy of covering oneself from head to toe before you can even step outside the door (so much for the great outdoors). and the story i refer to above, which is the ground hogs. yes, very funny creatures in a movie, or charming when they're on a newscast telling you spring is coming. but monsters from HELL when they invade your car, via underneath the hood, and they eat all your car wires: spark plugs, brake linings, and whatever else whets their stupid little appetites.
whoops. went all mentally unpolitically correct there. supposed to love them all, right? sure. you try having to park your car a mile away from your home, at a corner gas station, and then riding home in the pitch black, which you have to (not) see in the country, away from all artificial light, to believe, and all that on your rickety bike, because otherwise they'll eat the new wires you just replaced, and thank god when you drove you didn't fly over the highway ledge with no brakes, and into one of the numerous lakes we are blessed with in Northern Ontario, or worse, smack dab, at high speed (oh not too high because your car is running on the only one out of four cylinders that they didn't eat completely), but still, any speed is dangerous when you run head on into the Canadian Shield - that's rock, cold, hard, granite-type, face-smashing and unforgiving.
so actually, i hate the critters, truth be told, and if the damn thing poked its head out in my vicinity on a february day, or any day, i'd just as soon shoot it, if i had a gun.
i'll tell you another time about the mice.

seeing the light

shouldn't really be taking more time to do this, but it's so much faster at the local library; i must take advantage, mustn't i? and suffer for my art

the art is coming along; working as always on the zootcase show, which, by the way, has its own blog now: zootcase2010, if you're interested, although nothing much up there so far.
we've had the flurry of gigs over the holidays, now looking forward to the valentine's gathering - a house concert with the jazz trio. sorry, it's invitation only.

other than music, not to much to say, except to comment on the horror of the haiti situation, and also on the remarkable resilience of the people, who smile so easily, in spite of all the hardships and poverty. makes you realize we have absolutely NOTHING about which we can complain.
i've been trying a new trick on my own mind, to combat all the bad moods i generate for myself each time something happens that i don't like. i have always muttered a sarcastic "thanks, god" (oh, i know, i've been on the road to hell for a long time). now, i try to make it sincere, and take the time (usually only half a second or so, anyway, when things go wrong), to appreciate that, in fact, my life is pretty good. so thanks, to whatever forces of good are operating out there.

one third of winter down; two more to go, but the days are getting longer in light.

ranting for fun and non-profit

Just got the “Your personal Time-of Use Dashboard is ready” letter from the hydro company. Well, now my life can begin.

God, I wish the company would take all the money for the letters and brochures (in particular the glossy coloured ones), which repeat the same information every mailing, - and oh yeah, the cost of the installation of “smart” meters – and apply those funds to its own damn dashboard. How much would costs of operating be reduced, and how much saving could be passed on to consumers?

Oh silly me. That must be brain damage from the cold that's talking there, since my house temperature is kept far below the 'comfort' zone. Savings would not go to consumers, of course, but, - still – the money could go to a CEO salary or severance package 'savings plan'.

Whoops. Shouldn't have reminded myself. The 'Delivery' and 'Regulatory' Charge. The 'Officers' Retirement', I mean, 'Debt Retirement' Charge. All the little payouts for those greedy little CEO's. Every time I get a bill and see those charges (which are always more than my usage, by the way), I think of that woman (someone say hello to her, if she's not out of the country on her yacht). You know, the one who got six million – that's MILLION – dollars when she left the hydro company. I remember too, the day I worked as a temp for hydro. It happened to be the day after another CEO voted himself a raise. I couldn't tell you the number of irate and upset customers that called that day. And I told each and every one of them they were right; that the salary raise was disgusting; and I suggested they write and complain.

To what avail, however? I'm just dashing my own board, and can't even raise enough heat of anger to eliminate the layers of clothing I must wear indoors. And I do get angry. Every day. Like when the rates are up at dinnertime (thanks for making life more difficult after work). Or when I long for a hot shower and have to wait for the tank to warm up, since I keep it turned off otherwise. And my feet! No basement in this tiny house, so they're like ice all the time. Am I a martyr? No, just a 'serf' of the 2000's. Gotta 'conserf' to pay the bills.

So thanks, hydro companies, for setting up a system that now lets me sit in front of my dial-up computer, so I can waste even more electricity, to be able to see just exactly how limited my life is when I consult your “charts and graphs that show your usage hour by hour, a day at at time”. “Putting you in control”, indeed.

I don't need the dashboard. I know I use heat when I'm desperately cold. I cook when I'm starving and can't wait for “off-peak” hours. And I write letters at a local library hi-speed computer, so my fingers are warm enough to work the keyboard.

happy new year

and there you are! we're already ten years into the millennium of destruction, and who can keep up? the snow is entrenched outside on my sidewalk; i'm freezing and because i'm doing this, i have missed the skating times down by the lake. curses!!!
you see, i'm not very well disposed to the new age and its chains.

but just wanted to say hi, and make sure that my zero followers are all well and happy.

got the gig friday night at gate 403, for whoever is in the toronto area. 9pm. be there if you like music.